Filed under: The Inanity Files
I was driving the other day and I passed this little tiny strip mall, so small it was really more strip than mall. It literally consisted of three stores, and it caught my eye because over the doorway of the middle store hung a banner that read, “A flag is the perfect gift!”
Have you ever in your life been shopping for a gift for someone and suddenly thought to yourself, “Eureka! I should buy Susie/Joe/my mother/whoever a flag! Just what he always wanted! Why didn’t I think of this before?”
No one wants a fucking flag as a gift. My parents had a tradition that every Christmas they would put a couple of pairs of new socks in my stocking (a tradition maintained to this day, and yes, of course I still have a stocking; Christmas is serious business). I would always moan and groan about getting socks as a present, but they were accompanied by a whole crapload of other better presents, and even though they weren’t exciting, I put those socks to use. Everyone needs socks. No one needs a flag. Flags are not only undesirable, they’re not even useful.
The only places I ever see flags are schools, office buildings and hockey games, and it’s always the same flag. Perhaps it’s a sign that I’m severely deficient in the patriotism department that I don’t have my very own American flag, but I don’t want one. Where would I put it, or any other flag for that matter? I don’t have a flagpole in my front yard.
I always assumed shit like this was purchased online from some kind of speciality store, because I can’t believe that a store the size of my bedroom selling nothing but flags can actually stay in business, but maybe it was there before the internet streamlined shopping and the owners just aren’t quite ready to lower the flag on their dream (see what I did there?). I just thought it was utterly random that this store even exsists, and highly amusing that someone there thought marketing flags as the perfect gift was going to fly (see what I did there, too? ). I think the whole thing is kind of dumb, but I have to admit, if you found me a flag like this:
I would find a place to hang it.
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