Road rage has become kind of a jokey cliche, but I experience a mild form of it on a daily basis. At least 50% of drivers are total jackholes. Some are ignorant, some are 90 and unwilling to part with their last vestige of freedom, but the ones that really infuriate me are the people whose manner of driving conveys an aggressive sense of entitlement. These people must be aware that everyone on the road is trying to get some place. We don’t drive around aimlessly for shits and giggles, especially during rush hour. We are all trying to get to work, get home, whatever, but this brand of asswipe driver believes that his needs trump yours and everyone else’s. And he doesn’t mind letting you know it.
Case in point: I was driving home from work the other day, during rush hour, but it was one of those blessed days when traffic was actually moving. The only backups were in the exit lanes, but everywhere else traffic was clipping along. I was approaching an exit where a long line of cars had formed to get off, but it wasn’t my exit so I was whizzing by.
I was not in the exit lane, nor was I in the lane from which you can veer right to go onto the exit or stay straight. I was in the next lane over. Both the exit lane and the next lane over which also feeds into the exit were backed up, but hey, not my problem. I have drawn a helpful diagram:
I’m speeding by when all of a sudden the SUV in front of me drops her speed to like 15 miles an hour. I have to break suddenly and I’m all like, wtf is going on? Turns out the skank in the SUV needs to get off on that exit, but because she suffers from delusional entitlement syndrome, she was too good to get in line like everyone else and is now trying to cut into the line right at the exit. She slowed down in this attempt roughly 6 car lengths before the actual exit.
On principle, this is super obnoxious. Who the fuck is this woman? What makes her so important that she feels justified in bypassing all the regular folk patiently waiting their turn? Is she is in labor? Is she on fire?
Besides being obnoxious, this is dangerous. Since traffic was moving at regular speed in the non-exit lanes, practically coming to a stop so she could weasel her way to the head of the line forced me to drastically slow down my speed, and the person behind me to do so, and so on. All that sudden speed-dropping could easily result in an accident, and the likelihood of an accident increases if the cars she is attempting to cut off decide they are having none of that and try to block her bitch-ass (which is what I would do in that position, and have done many times). No matter how you look at it, skank made a bitch move and was wrong to do it.
So I beeped at her, as I am wont to do in these situations. I beep because I feel it’s necessary that jackass drivers suffer the consequences of their actions, whether that be the accident they will inevitably cause someday or the admittedly mild consequence of having another driver inform them through vehicular channels of communication that they are acting like douches. I beeped long and I beeped hard, because I don’t believe in those bullshit love-tap style beeps that timid people like my grandma use on the rare occasions when they muster up enough balls to refuse to silently put up with crap. I beeped at the SUV right at the moment when some poor sap either too afraid to protest or too preoccupied by his cell phone to notice left enough room for her to wedge her ginormous gas-guzzler into the lane, and so as I passed her and the beep was still echoing in the air, she turned full around in her seat (also dangerous, I should add) to give me a serious showcasing of crazyface.
I’m talking full on eyeball-bulging, forehead-vein-popping, tower-shooter crazyface. Without words, her face managed to say “no you di-int!” and “I am one batcrap crazy motherfucker” all at the same time. It was during my examination of her crazyface, followed by own subsequent “no you di-int!” (because seriously, you’re driving like a fuckwad but you want to look at ME like I’m out of line for beeping at you?) that I realized I know this woman.
Her name is Tamatha and I used to work with her, and she is one of those women who takes pride in being the kind of woman who pulls out a crazybitchface at a moment’s notice. She is very easily offended by the audacity of other people, like say, the audacity of her boss to expect her to actually work when she comes to work, or the audacity of me to expect her to bring her building-access badge to work on a daily basis because the building must comply with certain security standards so showing up with your badge is part of your responsibility as an employee.
(Side note: The last time I actually spoke to Tamatha was at my old job during my last week there, and she had forgotten her badge and thus had to come to the front desk and ask me for a temp. Whever I gave out temp badges I always said, “It just needs to be returned to me by 5:30 today,” because it did. When I said that to her that last time, she replied, “Yes, 5:30, I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me, heard it before,” all snippy-like. I wanted to say, “Well apparently I do need to tell you because you know you are expected to bring your badge to work, yet you failed to do so, and the fact that you are so very familiar with the spiel I give to badge-less idiots indicates you are a repeat offender, so the least you can do is not be snippy with me and have some shame you worthless cunt,” because it was my last week there and I really didn’t give a fuck anymore about even attempting to maintain the ruse of cordiality. But then it was my last week there and I really didn’t give a fuck anymore so I couldn’t muster up enough rage to even bother.)
So we’ve established that Tamatha is both an obnoxious co-worker AND an obnoxious driver (no surprise there). This would be just an amusing little anecdote to share with my friends who also used to work with her or (poor things) still do, except for one fun fact. When I quit that hellhole, I took a job with the company next door. Literally. Like, we share the same parking lot. Chances were that I would see Tamatha again someday. And I did. Two days later.
My friend Michelle (who also once worked with me and Tamatha) met me that Friday after work at my office. We were in the parking lot and another friend of ours was there talking to Tamatha. He and Tamatha said their goodbyes and then I spoke to him for a minute, during which time Tamatha started talking to Michelle. I didn’t know it until afterwards, but she actually said to Michelle, and this is a quote, “I need to talk to Miss THANG over there.” No really, she did.
I said goodbye to my buddy and walked over to Michelle and Tamatha/SUV skank, and the ensuing conversation went like this:
Tamaskank: Well hello. How are YOU? (But it wasn’t a friendly inquiry. It was very aggressive and the way she said it made me realize instantly that she was planning on discussing the traffic incident.)
Me: I’m great! How are YOU? (But it wasn’t a friendly inquiry. I was intentionally over-exuberant to the point of sarcasm.)
Tamabitch: You beeped at me on 66 the other day. (The tone was admonishing, like a mother reprimanding a child, plus a dash of feigned astonishment thrown in there for good measure, as if to say, “Why would anyone ever beep at me?”)
Me: Oh really? (I knew full well that I had, when I had, and why I had.) You must have been driving like an asshole.
Tamawhore: Excuse me, I was just trying to get off on my exit to go home…
Me: Oh right, right. I remember. You were the SUV that waited until the last possible moment to get into the exit lane you needed to be in because you didn’t want to wait in line like everybody else.
Tamahoe: I was trying to get over.
Me: But instead of getting into the lane where there was an actual opening, at the end of the line, you were cutting people off to bypass the line. Traffic in the other lanes was moving. It’s dangerous to drop your speed like that. You could have caused an accident.
Tamasshole: But you beeped at ME.
Me: I would have beeped at anyone driving like that. I would have beeped at my mother if she drove like that.
Tamadouche: Well, you should be careful. You never know, you could be beeping at a crazy person.
*I know I beeped at a crazy person because bitch, you are crazy for even attempting this conversation with me. Also, note how this is both a veiled threat AND an attempt to make it look like she is doing me a favor by warning me about this possibility. I have to give her credit where credit is due on that.
Me: You never know, the person you cut off could be crazy. The person driving behind you who has to slam on her brakes could be even crazier.
The best part of all this was when Michelle interjected. Michelle is quite possibly the least confrontational person I know. Shit like this makes her as uncomfortable as a whore in church. And yet, when I restated for Tamatha her actual actions instead of allowing her to get away with her explanation that completely left out the part where she was being a total dick, Michelle said, “If it was me behind you I would have done worse than beep at you.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Priceless! How fucking great is Michelle right now?
But seriously, can you believe that shit? Did she honestly expect me to apologize for beeping at her? For serious? Just because you happen to be someone I know does not absolve you of the sin you committed. You drove like a douche, I treated you like one. How dare you try to confront me about it. I think she thought I would be timid and that she could scare me into apologizing because she’s such a ghetto bitch that I should cower before her. I find it insulting that she thought she could intimidate me. I am not that easily intimidated. Just because I’m not ghetto does not mean I’m not a bitch. I’m just an educated, classy bitch, and guess what Tamacunt? We’re the worst kind of bitch there is. Trust.
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