The Bitterness Blog


Thank God He’s Not the UPS Man Because in this case I Shudder to think what brown can do for me
October 28, 2009, 7:13 pm
Filed under: Societal Botheration, Work Bitching

During my tenure at my previous job, the afternoon Fed Ex delivery man developed a crush on me.  He’s a black man whose age I would place somewhere in the range of 37-45.  He’s at least 10 years older than me but younger than my parents.  His race will come into play later, so hold that thought.

My interest in this guy is somewhere in the range of -98 to zero.  There is something about him that has always put me off.  It might be that he declared his interest in me before we had an actual conversation.  I appreciate it any time someone finds me attractive, really I do, but I would strongly prefer that any suitors try to make polite small talk before asking me out to determine if we have anything in common, or that I speak English, or that I’m not mute.  One of the first times he delivered to my job he made one of those attempt-to-be-sly-your-boyfriend-is-a-lucky-man comments to see if I have a boyfriend.  I didn’t lie, but I should have.  From then on, he came on pretty strong.  His persistence creeped me out and his frequent compliments started to feel a little lecherous.  Luckily, I didn’t have to see him much because we had a shipping/receiving manager whose job it was to accept deliveries and I only did it when he was unavailable, which wasn’t too terribly often.

fedexrighthere

"I got your package right here." And welcome to my life.

Fast forward to my new job, which you may recall is in the building next door to my old job, and as you  might suspect, the same Fed Ex guy delivers here also, but here, I’m the person who signs for all the packages.  Now I have to see this guy on a pretty much daily basis.  Imagine my enthusiasm.  I try to act busy when he comes, so except for the moment when I sign for the packages and say “thank you” my eyes are glued to my computer screen and my fingers are typing away.  If you were thinking he would get the hint from my stand-offish behavior, you’d be like me:  hopeful and dead fucking wrong.

robpattisonasfedexguy

Not my Fed Ex guy. Not even remotely.

So the other day he came in and despite the fact that it doesn’t seem to be properly conveying my disinterest, I stuck to my routine of pretending to have something important to do that precludes conversing with him.  But at some point I have to take the thingy to sign from him and give it my John Hancock, and when I did so, he said:

“So what, do I need to get a diamond for you to make this thing we got going here official?”

Let me give you a minute to digest that.

Yeah.

After a few seconds of stunned silence on my part, I reattached my fingers to my keyboard and my eyes to the direction of NOT HIM and said, “Um, I’m not really a diamond kind of girl.”  I realize in hindsight that this might not have been the best answer, but I honestly had no idea how to respond.  The rest of the conversation went like this:

Fed Ex Guy:  You like rubies better?

Me: Actually, I’m not really into jewelry. (Which is true.  I almost never wear jewelry.)

FEG:  You don’t need to be into jewelry to get married.

(A valid point.  But last time I checked you DO need to be at least somewhat into the person you’re proposing to marry.)

Me:  I’m not really a marriage type of person either. (That’s pretty much a complete lie.  I would LOVE to get married.  To the right person, obviously, and I’m becoming painfully aware that the likelihood of that happening is equivalent to about the exact numerical value as my interest in Fed Ex guy, but whatever.  A girl can dream.)

FEG:  Well there are people in DC fighting to be allowed to get married.

Me:  Not only in DC, and by all means I think they should be able to, but that doesn’t mean I have to get married.

FEG:  Really?  You think they should be allowed to get married? (All shocked-like.)

Time out:  Why do people who (barely) know me always assume I’m conservative?  I became aware during the recent Presidential election that based on appearances, the general population assumes me to be a conservative Catholic Republican.  Is it because I’m white?  Because that’s not my fault.

Me:  Of course I do.  Why should gay people have any less rights than anyone else?  What do I care who gets married, as long as it’s two consenting adults?

FEG:  But what about the Bible?

Time out:  What I most love about this response is how perfectly it illustrates the fact that the marriage debate even existing in the political realm at all is the very definition of a lack of separation between church and state.

Me:  I’m an atheist, so I really don’t care what the Bible says.

FEG:  I don’t know about a man and a man getting married.

Time out:  Ever notice how most men, when displaying varying degrees of homophobia, always talk as if the only type of gay that exists is man-on-man gay?  Woman-on-woman gay doesn’t seem to bother straight men so  much, does it?

Me:  I don’t see why two men should have any less right to get married than you or I.

FEG:  Well the object of love is to reproduce, so it’s biology.  A man and a man can’t make a baby.

Time out:  There’s that man-on-man thing again.  A woman and a woman can’t make a baby either last time I checked, but listen Buddy, if you think the object of love (and I think you meant to say “objective” but you’re a moron, so you didn’t) is to reproduce, then diamonds are the least of the obstacles in your path to marrying me.

Me:  Well I don’t want to have children, and I generally disagree with the notion that the purpose of love is to reproduce.  There’ s a biological imperative, but it’s a choice, and you can love with out reproducing.  If that’s a requirement for marriage, then you’re saying that straight people who don’t want to have kids or who can’t have kids shouldn’t be allowed to get married either.

FEG:  Well I never thought of it that way….wait, you don’t want to get married OR have kids?

No.  Does that mean you’re not interested anymore (fingers crossed)?

Many things about this conversation amazed me, the first being that Fed Ex guy assumed I would share his view on gay marriage.  I don’t assume people will share my views on things like that because I accepted a long time ago that 99% of people are stupid.  But what really surprises me is when a member of an historically oppressed people is willing to oppress others.  There was a time, and not very long ago, when black people didn’t have the same rights under the law as white people.  Have you no empathy, Fed Ex man?  I’m a woman; I’m an oppressed people.  I figured being part of a minority group makes me more understanding of the plight of others.  But perhaps my assumption that he would not support the oppression of others because of his race is as bad as people taking one look at my cracker ass and assuming I think Palin is the second coming. 

Really though, this whole conversation had no effect on my interest in him because the deal was sealed a couple of weeks earlier when I ended up being stuck on the elevator with him.  I was heading straight from work to the Caps game and I had a folded-up jersey in my hand and probably looked like I was in a rush, because he asked me if I was heading somewhere (which is dumb because clearly the elevator is not my final destination, but whatevs).  I said I was going to the hockey game and his reply was, “Oh yeah, that’s the Nationals, right?”

Oh Fed Ex Guy.  Clearly, ours is a love that can never be.

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