The Bitterness Blog


Bitter Lessons from Old McDonald’s Farm
February 26, 2010, 10:27 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

I had lunch today with my fabulous friend Kristen and her son Ethan, who will be 2 in May.  It’s a documented fact that I generally dislike people under the age of 25, but Ethan is SUPER cute.  He has big blue eyes and lashes any girl would die for.  He ‘s gives out hugs and kisses left and right and flirts with anyone he makes eye contact with.  And he talks, which I normally find to be a less than endearing trait in children, but Ethan says cute things in a cute voice and looks so damn happy to be saying them.  I can’t help but love him.

So Ethan was talking up a storm, saying Hi to cars and trucks and announcing the presence of his French fries.  He knows various animal noises and he knows that turtles are slow.  The kid’s a genius.  Anyways, Kristen enthusiastically told me that on the car ride to lunch, Ethan was excited about seeing me and was saying, “Katie girlfriend” because I’m his girlfriend.  How fucking cute is that?  So cute, I had to hear it myself, right? Kristen asked Ethan, “Is Katie your girlfriend?  Can you say Katie?”

And Ethan said, “Cow.”  3 times in a row.

Yes, even small children are aware of the heinousness of my figure.  So I’m obviously never going out in public again.

Cows say "moo." And apparently, so do I.



Aaarrrh Mateys!
February 25, 2010, 9:47 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

As you might imagine, I’ve been doing a lot of serious tv watching as of late. There is nothing so wonderful as discovering a new television love, and I have found one, and its name is Wife Swap.

I don’t think they even make new episodes of Wife Swap anymore, but luckily the good folks at Lifetime air reruns of the show everyday at 1pm and 2pm (and possibly earlier, but I don’t get up before 1pm anymore so I wouldn’t know).  The concept of Wife Swap is that the moms from two different families that have never met swap lives for 2 weeks.  The first week, they live as the mom in the house normally does and the second week, they make new rules that the family has to abide by.  Hilarity ensues.

The greatest thing about this show is how obvious it is that they intentionally pick families that are polar opposites and bound to hate each other, like the episode where they swapped a preacher’s wife with the wife of a man who runs an atheist website.  If that’s not genius, I don’t know what is.  More often than not, one household is run by anal neat freak disciplinarians and the other house is run by hippie yoga-obsessed treehuggers.  A sampling of quotes pulled from the show:

“Breathing?  Who breathes?”  Umm, everyone…that is alive.

“Can white people be ghetto?”  Yes, but we call them rednecks.

Today’s episode was a real gem.  Laura is an organizational nut who believes everyone should strive for perfection, especially in their outward appearance. I’m not sure what the other’s mom actual name is because she goes by her pirate name, Mad Sally.

You read that correctly.  Her pirate name.  Her and and her whole family dress up like pirates.  On what appears to be a daily basis.  Her husband quit his job to write pirate books, and the one he was working on at show time was about how pirates and ninjas should be best friends, but can’t be.

And that’s a book I want  to read.

So the pirate mom goes to a family of neat freaks, including a 13 year old daughter who said, upon meeting Mad Sally, “When I found out she was a pirate, I was like, someone has issues.”  Well put.

Meanwhile, the children back over at the Queen Anne’s Revenge think the pirate lifestyle, which the family collectively refers to as “pirattitude,” is awesome.  The youngest, a little boy about 4, was letting out “Arrrrhs!” so exuberantly he actually lost his balance during the process.  Their 13 year old daughter summed it up best:  “None of my friends’ dads can write swords off on their taxes as a work expense.  Of course, none of my friends’ dads have swords.”  So, yeah.

Mad Sally brought the neat freak’s daughter to tears several times while the neat freak mom channeled her energy into organizing the pirate family’s house.  At the end, as always happens, each family eventually came around to the conclusion that the other family had taught them valuable lessons about life, love, and family,blah blah blah.  At the end of each show the two couples meet together and talk about their experiences, and if we the viewing audience are really lucky, a physical confrontation takes place.  It’s happened before.  Many times.

I think the pirate family tops the weirdness charts so far from what I’ve seen, although I did also enjoy the family that was devoted to “sweeping” as in entering sweepstakes.  They would literally go out everyday and look for bottle caps with sweepstakes codes on them, and the father was part of a sweepstakes group that met every week to discuss sweeping, new contests, what they entered and what they recently won. It was kind of like watching an AA meeting except that no one was admitting they had a problem.

Here’s a photo of the aforementioned pirate family.  The quality sucks but I think you get the gist:

Words fail me.

And great news!  While searching the internets for this photo, I found out that Wife Swap is still on the air, making new episodes!  So you know where I’ll be on March 26th when season 6 premieres!  Although you probably already knew where I’d be since my ass is pretty much sewn to the couch now, but that’s neither here nor there.



Love, Thy Name is Roku
February 24, 2010, 9:27 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

What is the best gift you could ever give to the jobless?  Well, a decent job.  Or money.  But after that?  The answer, my friends, is The Roku.

The Roku is a fabulous device made for the sole purpose of hooking your tv up to your Netflix account so you can make full and glorious use of Netflix’s Watch Instantly option.  And glorious it is.  I have found my technological soul mate.  I haven’t left the house since the Roku arrived on my doorstep, a gift from a truly insightful friend, a few days ago, and I may never leave the house again, because Netflix has 17,000 watch instantly choices, and more choices are constantly being added.  Currently, I’m enthralled by Wire in the Blood, a BBC series about a clinical psychologist assisting the police department on various serial killer cases.  It’s pretty awesome, and British accents make everything smarter and better.  Proven fact.

The only flaw with the Roku is that A LOT of Netflix’s catalog is not available to watch instantly.  More annoying than something not being available is something being only partially available, like a tv series where some seasons are available and others aren’t, and there is no rhyme or reason to why.  You can see season 5 of Grey’s Anatomy but not season 1.  And some series have disc-only episodes within the same season as watch instantly episodes. Explain that to me.

But this is actually not the Roku’s fault.  The Roku is simply the conduit, the vehicle, the objective mediator, if you will.  It’s Netflix that isn’t allowing the Roku to live up to it’s full potential, and there is nothing sadder in this world than stifled potential.  Netflix, I beg you, let Roku shine.

Speaking of potential, who wouldn't want to hire me? Look at this level of dedication.



The List of Awesome Continues to Grow
February 19, 2010, 6:35 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

Because I don’t work, I’ve become accustomed to a certain kind of nocturnal schedule, so the evening of the day that I discovered my tv was broken, around 2am, I decided to microwave a cookie.  I like to bake cookies (from a roll of dough, obviously) but intentionally undercook them so the middle of the cookie is soft and chewy and barely holds together.  In order to make this happen, I have to put the cookie into the fridge as soon as it comes out of the oven so it doesn’t completely disintegrate, and then I reheat it later when I’m ready to eat it.  Awesome, right? I know.  And excellent with a glass of milk.

I was really confused when I microwaved the cookie for 20 seconds and it didn’t get any warmer, but hey, it had been in the fridge for a long time.  So I tried again.  Still nothing.  Then it dawned on me:  the microwave was broken.  That’s inconvenient but obviously not to be corrected at a 2am.  I went to bed warm-cookie-less (sniff, sniff).

The next morning I noticed a really weird noise coming from the front hallway, specifically from this box type thing on the wall.  I knew it was not the fire alarm because that is on the ceiling, but I really honest to God had never noticed that little box on the wall before.  Like if you held a gun to my head and said “True or false, there’s a little box on the wall in the front hallway right by the entrance to the kitchen, answer correctly or kiss your life goodbye” I’d be dead.  Whatever it was, it was making a weird, constant buzzing noise.  Turns out that box is somehow connected to the doorbell and guess what?  The doorbell is broken too.  List of broken things in my house:

tv

microwave

doorbell

my spirit

And score another one for me, because my life is AWESOME.



And The Hits Just Keep On Coming
February 15, 2010, 9:07 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

I’m still sick.  No shock there.  I will admit to be slightly less sick than I was 2 days ago, so I guess I’m grateful for that.  At least I was grateful.  I actually got some decent sleep last night and I woke up feeling borderline refreshed, hopeful, and convinced that there was a light at the end of this snow-filled, jobless, broke-ass tunnel.  I did what any unemployed gal with nowhere to go would do at that point; I turned on the tv…

….and wondered why all the NCIS crew were green and purple in the face.  Perhaps the mucous got tired of floating around my nose and was now clouding over my eyes?  So I turned on a dvd to determine if the issue was the tv or the satellite and guess what?  The crew of The Wire were all purple and green too.

Yes, my tv is broken.  It works, but everything shows up green and purple. The other colors just no longer exist.  This is a serious problem, because tv is an essential building block of my daily life.  My needs for survival are, in order:

air

water

food

television (with satellite, obviously)

internet

Despite being unemployed, I clearly have to purchase a new tv.  Today. Tomorrow at the absolute latest.  There are some President’s Day sales going on, so that’s helpful.  I was going to put on my finest pair of elastic pants, stuff a box of Kleenex into my purse and hightail it on over to Best Buy, but those plans got derailed because, you guessed it:

It’s snowing.  AGAIN.

Welcome to my life.



NyQuil is My Best Friend
February 14, 2010, 5:54 am
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

Let’s take a little inventory of my life, shall we?  NoVa is still trying, and mostly failing, to cope with the after-effects of the various snowpocalypses of late.  The roads are ridiculous, but everybody is stir crazy from being cooped up so long that everyone is out on them anyways.  Pretty much every road way is down to one lane because the other lanes are just parking lots for snow piles, so traffic sucks major ass, and people are being assholes, beeping for no reason, as if I could move any faster around that giant iceberg in the middle of the damn road.  So that’s awesome.

I’m still unemployed, and I haven’t really been able to even attempt to move forward in the job search since even the government was closed half the week.  I’ve had one interview rescheduled 3 times now due to snow.  Also, the snow has wreaked absolute havoc on my skin.  I usually have fairly decent skin,  so when something pops up, its presence drives me totally bat shit, and I feel an obsessive need to pick at it, and that is guaranteed to make it worse. I will pick until I bleed, and I did, all week long.  The cabin fever made it worse, like I was itching to get out so badly that I started trying to just scratch at whatever was nearby, which happened to be my own face.  So because of my own bad habit combined with my fingernails, my face looks like it was on the receiving end of a bear attack.  I’m mauled, except I mauled myself, which is just pathetic.

Oh, and I have a TERRIBLE cold, and let me tell you, I’m not a pleasant sick person.  I don’t do sick well.  I don’t even do well well.  But I really can’t handle the whole sore throat, sneezing, sniffly, congested thing.  Especially the congested part.  I’m worried I might suffocate in my sleep if I accidentally close my mouth, since I can no longer breath through my nose, but that’s only a concern if I can even get to sleep, which is really hard to do when I’m this congested.  It’s probably a survival technique, because my body knows the likelihood of me ceasing to breath completely at this point is so high, but lack of sleep increases my bitterness level exponentially, and as we all know, my bitterness level is pretty high to begin with. And I’m drippy.  It’s sort of like this:

…except the dog has better skin than me.

So I’m going to drink a bottle of Nyquil and hope that I make it through the night, and hope that I don’t wake up in the middle of snowmageddon.  Wish me luck.



Snowtorious B.I.G *
February 8, 2010, 3:26 am
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

Remember how I posited earlier this week that there is a direct correlation between my job loss and the harsh wintry conditions that have lately been overtaking Northern VA?

Is the weather serious right now? Are you fucking kidding me?

I was right.  The ass-raping I endured by my former employer caused some kind of cosmic tear in the fabric of the universe, and this shit-storm is the result.  And it’s NOT OKAY.  Yesterday I had to make my way from the front door to the side of the house to clear snow off the satellite receiver because it was seriously fucking up my tv watching, and it took 2 people to even push aside enough snow to open the front door.  When I stepped outside, I sunk into snow that was thigh-deep, and I’m not a midget.  I heard on the news that 50,000 homes in the area are without power (and to those people l can only express my deepest sympathies, because that sucks serious balls).  The government is closed tomorrow because the metro is only able to operate a train every 30 minutes at underground stations only.  I am seriously concerned that this is the beginning of a new ice age and the end of the human race.  And that picture above?  That’s my back porch, or at least I think it is, but I’m not sure anymore because I CAN’T SEE PAST THE GODDAMN SNOW.  I’m resigned to not leaving the house tomorrow because I’m concerned that if I did I would never make it home again.  You would find me in a month, frozen to death in the snow in my own driveway.

And the best part?  Another snowstorm is expected on Tuesday.

*I totally stole that title from Lauren.  Though she may be slowly dying of boredom, locked alone in her apartment, her ability to make me laugh out loud is still alive and well.