The Bitterness Blog

Quote of the Day
May 28, 2010, 5:11 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

The other night, while flipping through the channels, I caught about 2 minutes of the MTV show True Life.  This episode’s topic was, “I’m Addicted to Porn,” and as you can imagine, the men featured in it were real winners. 

Brandon is 26, addicted to porn, and lives with his grandma.  He feels that his porn addiction is hampering his possibility of a relationship with a woman because porn allows him to enjoy women without dealing with all the drama that comes with them. (I’m figuring he favors straight-up, get right to it, fucking-porn, as opposed to porn that attempts a plot; just a guess.)  And by “enjoy women,” he means, “enjoy his own hand.”

Yes, Brandon...your addiction to porn is the reason you can't find a good woman.

The reason I’m telling you all this is not to discuss what a loser Brandon is, because really, Brandon being a loser was already implicit when he not only became addicted to porn, but went on MTV to tell the world about it.  No, I’m telling you this because the few minutes I spent watching Brandon left me with this memorable quote:

“One of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno.  Keep it luxurious.”

Luxurious and classy.

Brandon with his cigar. You don't even want to know where he put that cigar before he smoked it.


Leave the kid with me. Then he’ll learn what life is really like.
May 10, 2010, 7:12 pm
Filed under: Work Bitching

A couple of weeks ago was National Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day.  I feel like I really don’t even need to write about this, because I think it goes without saying how I felt about it.  I don’t care if it’s a nationally sanctioned day or not; unless you work in childcare, I don’t want to see your kid at work.  (And if I am working in child care, go ahead and prepare for the End of Days because hell has officially frozen over and it’s all going downhill from that point.)

Now, when I was a kid, the idea behind taking your kid to work on take your kid to work day was to show your child what mommy or daddy does to bring home the bacon, and to illustrate the concept that money doesn’t grow on trees and your parents have to actually do something day in and day out to keep you stocked up on food, shelter, and toys.  It was supposed to be interesting in that you were getting to see your parents in a way and in an environment that you never really have access to otherwise, but it wasn’t exactly fun unless your parents happened to do something insanely cool for a living.  But I’m old, and apparently times have changed, because National Take Your Kid to Work Day was a fucking circus at my temp job.

Instead of the kids following their parents around and seeing what they actually do at their jobs, the kids were put into groups and did activities all day long, such as, an informative trip to the Apple Store and a gymnastics hour.  Topper Shutt, a local weatherman, came and did a presentation on meterology, which would make sense if the place I’m temping at had anything even remotely to do with that field of study, but it doesn’t.  Also, on a side note, Topper is insanely short.  Like, 5’5, tops.  The kids all got goodie bags to take home, including a CD of their adventures that day and a certificate (acknowledging that they learned what, I don’t know).  A shit ton of money was spent on the goodie bags and all kinds of food for the kids, and besides my general dislike of children, it just seems to me that entertaining the kids all day isn’t really in line with the original intent of the day.  However, on the official website for Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, Barbie is the sponsor, so…yeah.  Perhaps there is some evil genius in convincing kids that work is a place where you go everyday to be entertained and fed, because maybe they will operate under that illusion happily until they actually get a job and be excited to get one because they have high hopes for how fun it will be.  But it’s just delaying the inevitable letdown that 90% of Americans experience when they realize that unless you are lucky enough to get  your dream job and get paid well for it, work bites.

But you know something that made work bite even more than usual for me that day?  The presence of swarming children.  They were INSANELY loud.  I would be standing waiting for the elevator, no kids in sight, but I could hear the sounds of their shrills.  They were like termites; it was coming through the walls.  Also, I got on an elevator once after a group of them stepped out and it smelled like fart.  Then the elevator stopped on the next floor with only me on it, so the people coming on probably thought I was the one that farted.

Fucking kids.

Don't be fooled. They may look cute, but they're loud and they smell.

Hockey Heartbreak
May 7, 2010, 6:30 pm
Filed under: Musings of a Random Nature

My best friend Kim’s sister Mel posted a comment on my blog saying that her husband Eddie is disappointed I haven’t posted about the no-goal on-ice ruling made against the Washington Capitals in game 7 of their playoff series against the Montreal Canadiens. 

Ask, and you shall receive.

One reason I haven’t posted anything about the Caps’ recent playoff devastation is that the only people who read this blog are my friends, and they don’t really care about hockey.  Does this suggest that I should seriously reconsider my choice in friends?  Yes, yes it does.  Does it also say something about what a fucking fantastic friend I am that I try to please my friends/readers by not posting about things I know they don’t give a crap about?  Absolutely.  In addition to that, my friends either see me in person or talk to me using methods of communication that aren’t my blog, meaning they already hear me brag/gush/lament/curl up in the fetal position and cry about the Caps on a regular basis.  So I didn’t post about it mainly because I was being considerate.  I know, I’m awesome.

Also, until recently, it was simply too soon.  I had to go through the 7 stages of grief first, in my own time, and I think I’ve finally reached the acceptance/hope stage.  The Capitals had an amazing regular season and I thoroughly enjoyed witnessing it up close and personal.  When a team has a banner year like that, expectations going into the playoffs are high, and when said expectations aren fallen (ridiculously) short of, it’s a little bit soul-crushing.  I’m not going to lie; there were tears.  But like I said, I feel like I’ve healed enough that I can talk/write about the situation, so here goes:

First, let me say this to Eddie:  I  have a hunch that you want me to discuss the no-goal call in game 7 because you assume that I didn’t agree with the call and think they would have won the game if the call had gone the other way, and  you are simply trying to bait me into a tin-foil hat wearing Caps conspiracy theory tirade.  Do I think that the penalty disparity in the series last year against Pittsburgh was suspect?  Um, very much so.  Do I think the no-goal call in game 7 against the Habs was bullshit?  Yes.  In general I think the NHL suffers from glaring inconsistency issues when it comes to penalty calls, goal decisions like the one in game 7 and disciplinary actions.  I don’t, however, think that is the reason we lost that series or even that game.  Had that goal been deemed a good goal, we would have tied the Habs at that point, and I think we still would have lost.  We came up against a seriously hot goaltender in Jaroslav Halak, and I think at best, we would have gone into OT had that goal been allowed and our OT record is shoddy at best.  More importantly, in my view, we lost that series when we failed to close it out in Game 5.  We had a 3-1 lead in the series, having beat the Habs in their own arena twice and having chased Halak in Game 3.  Instead of maintaining that momentum and heading into Game 5 on home ice with a killer instinct and putting the series away, we came out flat and allowed 2 goals in the first period.  The momentum shifted, and as Halak tends to do, he just got more and more confident as the game went on.  I knew then that it was over.

To sum up, I think it was a bad call, and I recognize that it’s not the first time in recent years that a controversial no-goal call against the Caps in a Game 7 has occurred.  But in my opinion, the major factors contributing to the loss of the series were 10 terrible minutes in Game 5, ridiculous shot-blocking abilities by the Habs,  the strange and unexplained disappearing act pulled by our power play, and Halak the hot goalie.  And pure, old-fashioned bad luck.  Good and bad bounces in hockey can make or break a game, and for those last 3 games, we just couldn’t get a good bounce.  It happens.  It sucks a big fat one, but it happens.

And now, I’m forced to choose between rooting for the Pens (deep-seeded, historical, intense hatred) or the Habs (new-found bewildered hatred).  I’m rooting for the Habs, because when it comes down to it, Pittsburgh offends me as a city and not just as a hockey team.  But since my dad spent time in Boston and I have family in that area, I’m now rooting for the Bruins, who are currently kicking some serious Philadelphian ass, to take it all this postseason.  A wise man (aka the Caps announcer at the Verizon center) once said, “Nothing does my heart good like seeing Pennsylvania fans go home sad.”

Truer words were never spoken.

At least losing doesn't diminish the hotness of our players. Oh Brooks Laich, will you hold me while I cry?